Originally printed in “The Rising Wind,” Beltane 2003 - This now defunct online magazine was a wonderful effort put out by Katie Hodges. It’s such a shame it is gone, but the content still holds up beautifully.
When my dear friend told me that the theme for this holiday’s Rising Wind was to be Beltane (OK, figured that one out – smile) and totem animals, I was intrigued. My experience with totem animals was, for quite some time, tentative at best. I’ve had two previous priests who were heavily ensconced in the attributes and blessings of their totem animals, one being cats, specifically a black panther and the other being wolves. In my dealings with those gentlemen and other pagans I’ve met along the way, I will confess to some fairly strong feelings of inadequacies because doggone it (ouch, no pun intended), I just don’t have one.
Like many pagans, I have had friends who are soulfully in tune with cats. While some of them have been this devoted because they are dissatisfied with humans that they have shunned us in favor of their four-legged friends, others connect with cats because, well, cats are just cool. I adore cats, but always seem to end up with that variety of cat that pretty much uses you as a hotel, feed station, scratching post and catnip connection. That doesn’t really inspire a great deal of attachment for me, although I definitely grieve when they go, just more along the line of “damn, my pet died!” than “my child has passed to the other side and I can’t function right now.” I admire (and envy) those who do experience that connection with kitties, but it ain’t me.
Horses, wolves, bears, large black dogs, the mighty buffalo, the stag, snakes, eagles, tigers… so many animals that represent majesty, strength, protection and wisdom. I suppose in the last many years of Craftwork, I’ve explored connections with nearly all of them, personally, or by proxy. I do believe it’s very true that you do not choose the totem animal, it chooses you. It comes to you while visioning or spirit walking, it sends you vital connections via pictures, real-world sightings and through poetry, stories or other media. It moves you in some particular way that defies the separation of species and is an energy transference between the two of you that cannot be contained to an expression through language. It’s a connection of spirit that transcends what would normally exist between the two of you. Yes, it comes to you, it speaks to you, it runs on a back burner through your conscious thought like the soundtrack to your life. It chooses you.
I also have found myself restricted in the companionship of animals, either as pets or in the spirit world, due to a very hyperactive imagination – the curse of a writer I suppose. I just can’t commit myself on any level to an animal whose ass I can’t kick should it get riled. Being Virgo, not only do I have a full bevy of control issues, but I am inherently untrusting and practical to a fault. I know that the beasties within us (and outside of us) can turn on a dime if their fur is stroked backwards. This leaves me mostly to insects, rodents and paramecium, none of which move me in a particularly magickal way.
Some months back, I was chatting with my coven gals after ritual and the dreaded subject arose. I listened as they each spoke of their totem animals with reverence and shared the experiences they’d had with them. My mind began to wander across the feelings I was having. I began to center on how exploratory our circle’s spiritual philosophy is. We pride ourselves on being open to new ideas, new techniques and basically blowing apart the dogmatic walls that have stifled Craft expression for decades.
If we were so willing to redesign our craft on so many levels, why should we remained mired in the well worn tracks of totem animals? This took my wanderlust mind into the notion that as Craft folk, we are usually fairly predictable in our selection of our animal companions. Spirit or totem animals normally fall into the aforementioned species, with the exception of my adorable, “rock dat boat” pal, Robert, who embraced a hippo as his furpal (hidepal?). How many people choose a kangaroo or a wolverine as their spirit animal? *I* can’t because I couldn’t kick either one’s ass.
The conversation hit a lull and all turned to me, not because of my sterling and commanding leadership presence, but because quite some time ago, I pointed out that when a room of conversation hits a natural lull, it’s usually twenty minutes before or twenty minutes after the hour (*sigh* I don’t know why, it just IS, OK?) and they knew I was going to look at my watch. I did. It was 9:40 pm. Of course.
Then it came…
“So what is YOUR totem animal, Katrina?” I gave them my best high priestessy look. Those of you who lead groups know this one. It’s what Joey Tribiani from “Friends” calls the “smell a fart” look, where you pause, look deeply thoughtful and scramble for what to say. I reached up to touch the Goddess and she smiled and her blessings poured over me. She told me not to be afraid of things like species biases and status quo… to break through the imposed “that’s just how it is” paper walls and claim my own place in the totem animal dyad structure… to be brave, forthright and blaze that trail into a new direction!
“It’s George Clooney,” I replied softly, with a gentle smile. “My totem animal is George Clooney.” They looked at me with blinks and someone, Goddess rest her soul, said, “You can’t do that.”
“Darling, I just did. I’m a Priestess of the Goddess, I can do whatever I want as it harms none and this definitely harms none. George comes to me in times of distress and I think, ‘What would Ulysses Everett Magill do? We’re in a tight spot!’ He visits me in dream time and vision time and our spirits soar together. He represents strength, wisdom, a glint of the God in his eye and a definite animal presence. He’s mine. I’ve claimed him in the name of the Goddess as my totem animal. Plus, I think I could take him in a fight.”
Problem solved. The room went quiet and it was 9:50pm. I guess the 20 after and 20 past rule only works some of the time.
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